Unrolled early in 2009, shortly after the supreme ruler took power, there is a war being waged by our government against our civilians. It’s a clandestine operation, or was, the cat’s out of the bag now, that took a while for the regime to unroll. But they really got it going last summer. Classified as double top secret because of how extreme and embarrassing it is, the liberal movement is pursuing with vigor a heartless policy to stomp out lemonade stands. That’s right, if you set up a lemonade counter for your kids, you may be standing at the bail-bonds counter next.
Last summer juice-police in Georgia demanded from three neighborhood girls, a business license, a peddler’s permit, and a food permit to operate their stand. The girls, quickly realizing the $50 per day fee was going to cut into their take, shut it down.
Shoot up and over to Portand, Oregon, two clipboard-toting Maltnomah County food inspectors scared a 7-year-old girl when they stood over her and, after interrogating her regarding a missing $120 temporary restaurant license, threatened her with a $500 fine if she didn’t close up shop. Luckily, mom was nearby to intervene. After Starsky and Hutch left, mom called the newspaper. As you might expect, when the juice-abuse hit the public, the county issued an apology for the aggressive beverage bullies.
In Coralville, Iowa, johnny-on-the-spot juice-police shut down a little girl’s lemonade stand just 30 minutes after opening operations. Almost seems like they were monitoring her, doesn’t it? Maybe through her cell phone.
Near their home in Appleton, Wisconsin, a ten-year-old and her 9-year-old sister’s operation got broken up before they could even open the doors. Apparently, a juice-policeman on the look-out for lemonade peddlers as part of his Sunday patrol, stumbled upon the two in the midst of setting up their illicit operation. And then broke it down.
Meanwhile, a Concord, MA, twelve-year old reports a sting operation against his stand. He claims a local police officer stopped by his stand and, apparently satisfied little or no criminal activity was occurring, hopped in his car and left. It seems, however, it was a ploy. Back-up was apparently called and minutes later, a Massachusetts State Police Officer arrived and busted up the illegal operation.
In Philadelphia, inspectors shut down a stand trying to raise money for kid’s with cancer. The city’s Department of Health inspector said they didn’t have a permit to operate, or a hand-washing station.
And finally, we have a stand in Montgomery county, MD. The report is that 3 or 4 enterprising kids, to capitalize on high foot traffic, set up a stand between parking lots and a golf tournament. Makes sense, if you’re paying $40 or $50 to park for a golf tournament, you’re likely to part with a quarter or two for some ice-cold lemonade, right? Well, apparently the register was ringing for our budding entrepreneurs when the stand was set upon by county officials complete with badges, clipboards and government-issued sun-glasses.
Not only did they publicly humiliate our capitalist heroes by forcing the kids to shut it down, there were passers-by remember, but so serious was the criminal enterprise that they issued them a $500 fine. Yes, they actually wrote them up for $500 big ones.
Utterly crushed, but being solid citizens, the children rushed home to hit mom and dad up for the fine money (not having raised enough from their lemonade operation). Well, turns out a couple of the children’s last names were Augustine (Lockheed-Martin) and Marriott (yes, that one), two Washington power families, and the moms and dads were none to pleased. It didn’t take long for the story to hit the tv-tube. The county, in what must have been a babbling, excuse-filled, justification-laced, foot-in-mouth press conference, ultimately issued a public apology. I’m so sorry I missed that one. Oh, and they decided to waive the fine.
These are just a few episodes. And as warm weather arrives, we are forced to ask, can we expect more? Absolutely. So what’s going on here? Why the war? This lemonade clampdown is almost inexplicable. I mean, who stands to lose? The official line is that “we’re protecting the public’s health.” So I thought about it. Sure, public health is important. But ask yourself, do you really feel safer because the kid at the top of the street got his lemonade stand smacked-down? With all the Salmonella outbreaks and food recalls you hear about, shouldn’t officials be investing more of their resources in punishing processing plants than pre-pubescents? Even if a child had a cold, the four customers aren’t likely to turn it into an epidemic. The fact is, you probably get exposed to more germs being in a theater or turning the knob on a door at a government building.
Is it money? Is the government so broke it feels trying to get mom and dad to cough up $100 or more for a license or permit is a profitable pursuit? That doesn’t seem likely. Is it taxes? Is the government really concerned about unregulated lemonade activity (it is a cash business) and its inability to collect 27% from a six-year-old? Clearly, the supreme ruler’s regime must have bigger fish-to-fry. And that’s when it hit me. There is no answer the way you and I look at it. We should be looking at it from the supreme ruler’s point of view.
If you believe in big government, that is, Big Brother, then you have to make his presence felt. If you believe capitalism is bad, then you have to stomp on it when you see it. Add them together and now it makes sense. By implementing a double top secret lemonade stand war you exert the will of Big Brother and you teach the youth it doesn’t pay to be an entrepreneur. All in one quick crackdown. My, my, my, if Obama wins re-election, what a great country this is going to be.